Maltese Men and how to Improve them

As I can almost feel most readers fuming while reading the title of this article, first of all let me say that I love Maltese men. Ok, I am in love with ONE Maltese man in particular, however when looking at the masculine half of the population as a whole, one must really admit that while there are many men who contribute actively to all aspects of society with a number of variegated talents and achievements, there are also those who seem to be deficient when it comes to simple things such as cleanliness and physical health.

No one expects all men to be studs, and while one cannot but appreciate the random Maltese beefcake hanging at the gym, or the red-blooded stallion lounging at the beach, one also cannot help but look fondly at the robust ‘normal’ Maltese male.

Image Source

Different people have diverse body-types of course, and I thank all the gods for variety, else life would be infinitely boring. However SOME things apply to everyone. Young, old, slim, hefty, energetic, lazy, optimist, pessimist – whichever of these you are it is important to value and make the best of yourself, instead of abandoning both mind and body and retreating from the world to the point of becoming an affliction to those around you.

There he sits in front of the local pastizzerija, with his cuddly beer-belly and a hairy torso barely confined by his semi-transparent abanderado vest, trying vainly to muffle a number of barely-stifled belches. Sometimes, a couple of long thick yellowish toe-nails hang out from his too-small flip-flops, while wisps of hair waive out of his carefully styled comb-over, as he tries to smooth-over the wind-disarrayed pages of the local newspaper. Stupefied (too much Cisk), he glares belligerently at a honking lorry across the street, while staking a claim for his friend’s subaru by placing one of the pub’s plastic chairs in an emptied parking space nearby (even though said friend probably won’t be arriving within the next couple of hours).

Much as we love our local Onslows (and I repeat, yes, I know that many Maltese men do not fit into this category… but we really have to admit that many do), most of them could really do with a few tips.

• Cleanliness is not an option – no matter how good-looking, sexy, or rich you are, your Gucci sunglasses and double-breasted suit won’t do much to hide the obnoxious smells coming from your aromatic armpits. Especially if we can spot any wettish patches of sweat as well. So please, for the love of God, DO shower at least once (or twice, or three times) a day. Deodorants are your friends too.
• All the perfumes in the world – while using a perfume or deodorant is good, going overboard and spraying a different scent every other hour never did any miracles in terms of attraction. And our nostrils don’t appreciate it either. Especially in confined spaces such as elevators, cars and buses. So, everything in moderation.
• Trim and clean your nails – regularly
• This also goes for random body hair. Including hair coming out of orifices such as ears and nostrils. And no, not just in summer please.

Image Source: Shutterstock

• ‘Casual’ clothes – it is one thing to go to the supermarket wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, or a pair of shorts and a thin shirt, and quite another to saunter to the cashier in just your skin-tight swimming trunks and a smile. Some clothes are worn at the beach, others are worn in the comfort of one’s own home, wearing them in other settings is, in most cases, highly inappropriate.
• Jewellery – As in the case of perfume, too much jewellery tends to convey a sense of ‘hamallu’ thuggishness which, I’m sure, is not what most men have in mind when they put on their thick chain-necklace, large cross pendant, four rattling stainless steel bracelets and glammish heavy rings (at least three on each hand). But seriously… no. Just… no.

Geoffrey Hughes as Onslow from ‘Keeping Up Appearances’

I could go on and on (for example about drinking ad nauseum in kazini (band clubs) at 2pm, endless glasses of darkish tea left on the pavement in front of said kazini, raucous echoing laughter at some poor foreigner’s expense at the local festa, the half-smirk, half-hopeful look which accompanies every ‘aw lilly‘, bad driving and parking etiquette, etc)… but honestly, do I need to? I bet you can picture what I’m writing about as clear as day yourself…

We live (supposedly) in a civilized society, where we must at least agree to conform to a number of guidelines regarding appropriate behavior, in order for us to co-exist with the minimum of hassles possible. Freedom is beautiful, needful and individually enriching (though personally I can’t understand what’s so ‘enriching’ about overly-long toe-nails) however some things are best left to the imagination.

P.S And if you think targeting just males is unfair, don’t worry, another blogpost tackling the female half of the population will be forthcoming in the near future!

The Lolita Subculture – I love it!

So, next weekend in Malta there’s a yearly Comicon which takes place each year at the beginning of December. I’ve been attending this Comicon since its second year of running. I haven’t always worn a costume, and I admit the times I wore one, I wasn’t the one who made it – it was a bought costume, so shoot me lol. That being said, I dressed twice as Alice from American McGee’s Playstation game ‘Alice Madness’ (I love that character!) and twice I dressed as a Gothic Lolita.

The first time I wore an outfit I had purchased from Sai Sai in Camden Town, London – my fav clothes shop in all of London! Last year, my outfit was inspired by Shampoo, which is a character from the anime Ranma 1/2 – hence the blue wig. Yup, that’s me in the photo below!

I honestly don’t know whether I am going to attend this year for various reasons. Still, the Comicon is not far from my thoughts, which is why I wrote an article on The Lolita Subculture, which was published in the online magazine EVE.COM.MT

Here’s the link to the article – http://www.eve.com.mt/2016/11/27/the-lolita-japanese-subculture/

Please feel free to comment!

Have you ever attended a Comicon or a Comic Convention? Did you dress up?

Costumes trending this Halloween

 This year has been an iconic one for promoting fantastical characters, outlooks and styles. The media, not to mention the big and small screens, have done the best they could to dazzle, wow and impress us with an array of fashionable, cheeky and even retro looks. Last year, apart from the usual sexy nurses, she-devils and guys wearing a boiler-suit, Halloween was populated with Elsas, zombies, and even wanna-be Kim Kardashians.

Here’s what I’m betting we’ll see a lot of this year:

The Joker – This one never seems to get old, especially since the big screen seems to be re-inventing a new version of him every other year. In his last transformation, I must admit that he looks less like something that’s come out of a comic book and more like something that’s come out of a crayola factory, with some pesticide-induced euphoria thrown in. Thank you Suicide Squad…

Harley Quinn – Yup, kind of the female version of the above, except that she’s wearing a ‘F*** me Daddy’- I mean, a ‘Daddy’s Lil Monster’ T-shirt, and a pair of panties which I’m guessing are supposed to be micro-shorts. For those who don’t know, at the beginning of the story, Dr Quinn is actually a very smart psychiatrist working at Arkham Asylum. Her brains seem to fly right out of the window when she meets and becomes obsessed with the Joker, and she decides to chuck over her life and career to join him as a cute sexy sidekick. After all, that’s what women in love do right? Again, cheers Suicide Squad.

Assassin’s Creed – This on-going franchise never seems to lose its fascinating historical charm. 2016 not only saw the release of the Assassin’s Creed’s Chronicles last February, but finally also marked the completed filming of the eponymous movie, which was also partly filmed in Malta, and which will be out in theaters next December.

To read the rest of the article, which was published on EVE magazine follow the direct link: http://www.eve.com.mt/2016/10/25/costumes-trending-this-halloween/

Male Genitals – A Fashion Statement?

Men have always been fond and rather proud of their ‘family jewels’. Let’s face it however (just between us girls), having genitals which literally dangle in the way of certain physical pursuits like running, bending, horse-riding, and during medieval times, sword-fighting, is not really practical, not to mention comfortable. This is why, mostly during the Renaissance, society saw the rise of that most prominent and masculine of apparels – the codpiece.

A codpiece is a pouch or covering flap of material which was attached to and covered the genital or scrotum areas. It was generally worn by males as early as during the Greek classical era, however it is during the  15^th and 16^th centuries that codpieces reached their ‘peak’, in that the fashion was to further pad and emphasize the importance of a man’s codpiece (talk about advertising the size of one’s ‘assets’), rather than concealing them for modesty’s sake. This trend most probably began with the shortening of men’s doublets (hip-length fitted jacket-like garments worn in Europe by men over their shirts). When hemlines rose and hoses (thin tight-fitting tights or breeches) became longer and open at the front, this resulted in under-dressed genitals, which further stressed the importance of the codpiece as a triangular piece of fabric covering the gap.

Codpieces were generally made of linen and either stitched or held closed with laces or buttons. Victoria Miller, a researcher and student at Cambridge University who is studying the history of the codpiece as part of her PhD, related to The Guardian newspaper that the codpiece first ‘came into fashion as something really modest, a triangular piece of fabric. In the first couple of decades of the 16^th century it started to be stuffed. Then it got to epic proportions, some more phallic, some more testicular or ovoid in shape… Men always agonised about their masculinity – and especially the question of size’.

So basically, the codpiece was the male rendition of a stuffed push-up bra.

Those concerned with public morals started to be worried about the issue. In 1555 a Bishop in Frankfurt became notorious for publishing a pamphlet criticizing the codpiece in that he berated the fact that ‘young fellows have their cod-pieces in front puffed out by the flames and rags of Hell so that the Devil can sit and look out in all directions, causing scandal and creating a bad example’, bemoaning the ‘poor, giddy, innocent girls [who] are seduced and enticed’ (quoted from: http://www.fashionintime.org/history-mens-undergarments-part-1/). Interesting description!

During the time of Queen Elizabeth (1533 – 1603) the codpiece started to become smaller and smaller, until fashions totally changed and its use was abandoned.

Or were they?

What about those contemporary artists and singers who, as a fashion statement, have chosen to strut around in leather or even gem-encrusted codpieces on stage? It is well known that during the glam-rock era of the 70s and 80s notorious personages like Jethro Tull, Rob Halford (of the band Judas Priest), Axl Rose (Guns N’ Roses) and even David Bowie (check out his 80s movie ‘The Labyrinth’) sported prominent codpieces.

Have you watched any periodical dramas on T.V recently? How about ‘The Borgias’, ‘The Tudors’, or ‘Wolf Hall’? What about all those BBC historical adaptations? Noticed anything popping out of those skinny tight-fitting tights and leather pants?

How about the colourful costumes of all our favourite comic-book heroes? Superman, Batman, Robin – now those are some famous guys who REALLY put the spotlight on their prominent masculinity, don’t they?

What do you think, should codpieces come back into mainstream fashion?

—- A version of this article was published on Eve online magazine here – http://www.eve.com.mt/2015/07/23/male-genitals-a-fashion-statement/