Maltese Men and how to Improve them

As I can almost feel most readers fuming while reading the title of this article, first of all let me say that I love Maltese men. Ok, I am in love with ONE Maltese man in particular, however when looking at the masculine half of the population as a whole, one must really admit that while there are many men who contribute actively to all aspects of society with a number of variegated talents and achievements, there are also those who seem to be deficient when it comes to simple things such as cleanliness and physical health.

No one expects all men to be studs, and while one cannot but appreciate the random Maltese beefcake hanging at the gym, or the red-blooded stallion lounging at the beach, one also cannot help but look fondly at the robust ‘normal’ Maltese male.

Image Source

Different people have diverse body-types of course, and I thank all the gods for variety, else life would be infinitely boring. However SOME things apply to everyone. Young, old, slim, hefty, energetic, lazy, optimist, pessimist – whichever of these you are it is important to value and make the best of yourself, instead of abandoning both mind and body and retreating from the world to the point of becoming an affliction to those around you.

There he sits in front of the local pastizzerija, with his cuddly beer-belly and a hairy torso barely confined by his semi-transparent abanderado vest, trying vainly to muffle a number of barely-stifled belches. Sometimes, a couple of long thick yellowish toe-nails hang out from his too-small flip-flops, while wisps of hair waive out of his carefully styled comb-over, as he tries to smooth-over the wind-disarrayed pages of the local newspaper. Stupefied (too much Cisk), he glares belligerently at a honking lorry across the street, while staking a claim for his friend’s subaru by placing one of the pub’s plastic chairs in an emptied parking space nearby (even though said friend probably won’t be arriving within the next couple of hours).

Much as we love our local Onslows (and I repeat, yes, I know that many Maltese men do not fit into this category… but we really have to admit that many do), most of them could really do with a few tips.

• Cleanliness is not an option – no matter how good-looking, sexy, or rich you are, your Gucci sunglasses and double-breasted suit won’t do much to hide the obnoxious smells coming from your aromatic armpits. Especially if we can spot any wettish patches of sweat as well. So please, for the love of God, DO shower at least once (or twice, or three times) a day. Deodorants are your friends too.
• All the perfumes in the world – while using a perfume or deodorant is good, going overboard and spraying a different scent every other hour never did any miracles in terms of attraction. And our nostrils don’t appreciate it either. Especially in confined spaces such as elevators, cars and buses. So, everything in moderation.
• Trim and clean your nails – regularly
• This also goes for random body hair. Including hair coming out of orifices such as ears and nostrils. And no, not just in summer please.

Image Source: Shutterstock

• ‘Casual’ clothes – it is one thing to go to the supermarket wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, or a pair of shorts and a thin shirt, and quite another to saunter to the cashier in just your skin-tight swimming trunks and a smile. Some clothes are worn at the beach, others are worn in the comfort of one’s own home, wearing them in other settings is, in most cases, highly inappropriate.
• Jewellery – As in the case of perfume, too much jewellery tends to convey a sense of ‘hamallu’ thuggishness which, I’m sure, is not what most men have in mind when they put on their thick chain-necklace, large cross pendant, four rattling stainless steel bracelets and glammish heavy rings (at least three on each hand). But seriously… no. Just… no.

Geoffrey Hughes as Onslow from ‘Keeping Up Appearances’

I could go on and on (for example about drinking ad nauseum in kazini (band clubs) at 2pm, endless glasses of darkish tea left on the pavement in front of said kazini, raucous echoing laughter at some poor foreigner’s expense at the local festa, the half-smirk, half-hopeful look which accompanies every ‘aw lilly‘, bad driving and parking etiquette, etc)… but honestly, do I need to? I bet you can picture what I’m writing about as clear as day yourself…

We live (supposedly) in a civilized society, where we must at least agree to conform to a number of guidelines regarding appropriate behavior, in order for us to co-exist with the minimum of hassles possible. Freedom is beautiful, needful and individually enriching (though personally I can’t understand what’s so ‘enriching’ about overly-long toe-nails) however some things are best left to the imagination.

P.S And if you think targeting just males is unfair, don’t worry, another blogpost tackling the female half of the population will be forthcoming in the near future!

The Female Orgasm

It is a truth universally acknowledged that it is much harder for a woman to reach orgasm than it is for a man.

It’s a fact – nearly all men climax without difficulty, and yet women seem to need more attention and more effort on the part of their partner to reach the pleasure peak of the so-called Big-O. So much so in fact, that until a few decades ago, doctors even believed that it was scientifically impossible for most women to reach this sexual climax at all. In certain cultures, those who actually did were sometimes even considered to be unnatural by their husbands or partners.

On the other hand, nowadays we get a totally opposite yet still wrong picture through porn and the media, which portray women orgasming vociferously and vigorously multiple times as a matter of course. Unfortunately, reality is quite different!

Not all of us are automatically turned on every time we’re confronted by an excited male, nor is it so easy to reach sexual gratification just because someone squeezes our booty or jumps up and down on us a couple of times. Yes, women can reach orgasm too, but no, they do not reach this sexual target as automatically and easily as men do.

Why? Because apparently while men only seem to need a visual and physical stimulus for them to reach a certain state of excitement, women also need a mental and/or emotional stimulus.

There are two types of orgasms. These are vaginal orgasms and clitoral orgasms. Sigmund Freud, the father of psycho-analysis, used to believe that older women had vaginal orgasms, while younger and more immature women had clitoral orgasms. Experts no longer believe this. However, Freud was right in thinking that there were two kinds of orgasm. This was also maintained in a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2013, which showed how ultrasound tests revealed that the two kinds of orgasms – clitoral and vaginal – differ in blood flow and sensations produced.

French gynaecologists Odile Buisson and Emmanuele A. Jannini tracked blood pressure and patterns as it flowed through the female body and organs, and they saw changes in blood flow during different types of stimulating contacts…

This article of mine was published on EVE.COM.MT – Please click here to read the rest! http://www.eve.com.mt/2016/11/29/the-female-orgasm-fact-vs-fiction/

Order

In the beaming of the Moon
the stars go on arolling
under his patriarchal eye
healthily aglowing

A stream, a glade, a shallow reef
they all spread out on yonder
beneath his benign fragile gaze
in fearful harmony and wonder

Nothing could ever break that look
surrounding them, so strictly
Nothing could ever distort the order
regimenting them so thickly

For his stern paternal gaze
is what keeps them in line
willy-nilly, it’s always there
ever controlling their shine

For what would happen without the Moon
in the dark of the endless sky?
What would the twinkling stars do
all alone up above so high?

How could their light reach over it all
with no shepherd there to guide them?
How could they find the way to go
with no sergeant to deride them?

It would be chaos! It would be wild!
There would be no end to it!
How they would dance, jump and cavort
for sure the globe would be too brightly lit!

No no, such things are not to happen
no play or song, no laughter or brightness, ever
The Moon is there as it has always been
Set the clock, turn around, yes forever

©M.A

 

Male Genitals – A Fashion Statement?

Men have always been fond and rather proud of their ‘family jewels’. Let’s face it however (just between us girls), having genitals which literally dangle in the way of certain physical pursuits like running, bending, horse-riding, and during medieval times, sword-fighting, is not really practical, not to mention comfortable. This is why, mostly during the Renaissance, society saw the rise of that most prominent and masculine of apparels – the codpiece.

A codpiece is a pouch or covering flap of material which was attached to and covered the genital or scrotum areas. It was generally worn by males as early as during the Greek classical era, however it is during the  15^th and 16^th centuries that codpieces reached their ‘peak’, in that the fashion was to further pad and emphasize the importance of a man’s codpiece (talk about advertising the size of one’s ‘assets’), rather than concealing them for modesty’s sake. This trend most probably began with the shortening of men’s doublets (hip-length fitted jacket-like garments worn in Europe by men over their shirts). When hemlines rose and hoses (thin tight-fitting tights or breeches) became longer and open at the front, this resulted in under-dressed genitals, which further stressed the importance of the codpiece as a triangular piece of fabric covering the gap.

Codpieces were generally made of linen and either stitched or held closed with laces or buttons. Victoria Miller, a researcher and student at Cambridge University who is studying the history of the codpiece as part of her PhD, related to The Guardian newspaper that the codpiece first ‘came into fashion as something really modest, a triangular piece of fabric. In the first couple of decades of the 16^th century it started to be stuffed. Then it got to epic proportions, some more phallic, some more testicular or ovoid in shape… Men always agonised about their masculinity – and especially the question of size’.

So basically, the codpiece was the male rendition of a stuffed push-up bra.

Those concerned with public morals started to be worried about the issue. In 1555 a Bishop in Frankfurt became notorious for publishing a pamphlet criticizing the codpiece in that he berated the fact that ‘young fellows have their cod-pieces in front puffed out by the flames and rags of Hell so that the Devil can sit and look out in all directions, causing scandal and creating a bad example’, bemoaning the ‘poor, giddy, innocent girls [who] are seduced and enticed’ (quoted from: http://www.fashionintime.org/history-mens-undergarments-part-1/). Interesting description!

During the time of Queen Elizabeth (1533 – 1603) the codpiece started to become smaller and smaller, until fashions totally changed and its use was abandoned.

Or were they?

What about those contemporary artists and singers who, as a fashion statement, have chosen to strut around in leather or even gem-encrusted codpieces on stage? It is well known that during the glam-rock era of the 70s and 80s notorious personages like Jethro Tull, Rob Halford (of the band Judas Priest), Axl Rose (Guns N’ Roses) and even David Bowie (check out his 80s movie ‘The Labyrinth’) sported prominent codpieces.

Have you watched any periodical dramas on T.V recently? How about ‘The Borgias’, ‘The Tudors’, or ‘Wolf Hall’? What about all those BBC historical adaptations? Noticed anything popping out of those skinny tight-fitting tights and leather pants?

How about the colourful costumes of all our favourite comic-book heroes? Superman, Batman, Robin – now those are some famous guys who REALLY put the spotlight on their prominent masculinity, don’t they?

What do you think, should codpieces come back into mainstream fashion?

—- A version of this article was published on Eve online magazine here – http://www.eve.com.mt/2015/07/23/male-genitals-a-fashion-statement/

Wanted – GAY MALE BEST FRIEND! Apply here!!

I wish I had a gay-guy best friend!

Ok, this might sound kinda weird with labeling-overtones, but really, let me explain what I mean.

Yesterday, one of my colleagues, a very extrovert, bouncy, happy-go-lucky and vociferously gay young man, who is also a local media personality, being a singer and an amateur ‘magician’, told me I have ‘nice breasts’. Now, seriously, apart from boyfriends/dates/interested males who wanted sexual favors or other stuff from me, and who appreciated my boobs, but definitely did not use the word ‘nice’ NO FEMALE friend would ever compliment another female on her boobs. Except if she was asked at point blank of course, when she would probably say ‘You have a nice figure’, but not ‘You have nice boobs’.

See, female friends are complicated that way! They try to be friendly and helpful, without being bitchy or pushy, they try to give advice without seeming to, and give compliments while trying at least to appear ‘neutral’, that is to show that the compliment is being given because they really believe it, and not because they like you and are therefore trying to be nice – which is actually most often the case anyways. Female friends walk a thin line, being always aware that the smallest gesture or comment could be classified by the other female as a pointer to envy.

On the other hand, I have yet to encounter a male, ‘friend’ or otherwise, who is totally honest when he comments about a girl physically. A male would either mutter, flutter and then finally say it’s ‘ok’, lather on lavish compliments in order to get something out of you, twist the question into a joke, or escape the quandary altogether by telling you to ask someone else, since he:
a) is too in love with you to be objective
b) does not know about fashion or ‘things like that’
c) looks at you blankly and ask you what’s different from last time

*SIGH*

A gay male friend on the other hand, would not only be blatantly (and sometimes cruelly) honest, but would tell you why in great detail, while giving you tips on how to improve the situation. He would not jump to conclusions, try to get out of the issue, or be afraid of ‘hurting your feelings’. He would not even think that you might think he’s envious (as most female friends do) or that you are asking merely for him to be nice. Basically, he’d have the honesty of a guy, but the interest in the subject a girl usually has.

Rant apart – unfortunately I have never been so blessed as to have a gay male bestie (or GMBFF). I had a couple of gay male friends, or acquaintances, and dated a couple of guys who were bi, but it’s not the same thing. A BEST FRIEND has the impetus and knows you well enough to actually be honest and intimate with you, in a way that an acquaintance, obviously, cannot.

Am I just being too optimistic in my estimate or what? 

No more Patriarchal Religions! We need to go back to our roots and true balance!

Two days ago I randomly picked out one of those books which you bought coz it looks so interesting, and you know it is, but always start and never manage to finish anyways. This time I got along a little further than the last time – it IS good. This passage struck me particularly as it encapsulates one of the main tenets which bugs me about most structured popular religions and sects nowadays (and by nowadays I mean which cropped up during the last couple of millenia).

‘For tens of thousands of years feminine symbols represented the universal  life force known as God. For the past 3,500 to 4,000 years, masculine imagery has represented God. All thinking people know that the source of all creation is neither male nor female, but the choice of imagery has had the effect of unbalancing the psyches of individuals and of civilisation. A balance in the symbolism of the archetypal force that represents God needs to be brought into the consciousness of every man, woman and child so that humanity will not destroy our Earth Mother. The Goddess and the laws of Nature embodied in her worship need to be brought back into consciousness so that a balanced order can prevail on this planet and on all the life forms living on it…’

‘… The Great Goddess… was the Creatrix of all life – her realm included the entire cosmos. All the functions of the Goddess represent aspects of the total qualities of that deity. She was a reflection of the cultural and spiritual life of the peoples who worshipped her, the source or perpetual renewal, supplying all their needs and hopes, inspiring their value system.’

– From ‘The Sacred Whore: Sheela Goddess of the Celts’ by Maureen Concannon