Maltese Men and how to Improve them

As I can almost feel most readers fuming while reading the title of this article, first of all let me say that I love Maltese men. Ok, I am in love with ONE Maltese man in particular, however when looking at the masculine half of the population as a whole, one must really admit that while there are many men who contribute actively to all aspects of society with a number of variegated talents and achievements, there are also those who seem to be deficient when it comes to simple things such as cleanliness and physical health.

No one expects all men to be studs, and while one cannot but appreciate the random Maltese beefcake hanging at the gym, or the red-blooded stallion lounging at the beach, one also cannot help but look fondly at the robust ‘normal’ Maltese male.

Different people have diverse body-types of course, and I thank all the gods for variety, else life would be infinitely boring. However SOME things apply to everyone. Young, old, slim, hefty, energetic, lazy, optimist, pessimist – whichever of these you are it is important to value and make the best of yourself, instead of abandoning both mind and body and retreating from the world to the point of becoming an affliction to those around you.

There he sits in front of the local pastizzerija, with his cuddly beer-belly and a hairy torso barely confined by his semi-transparent abanderado vest, trying vainly to muffle a number of barely-stifled belches. Sometimes, a couple of long thick yellowish toe-nails hang out from his too-small flip-flops, while wisps of hair waive out of his carefully styled comb-over, as he tries to smooth-over the wind-disarrayed pages of the local newspaper. Stupefied (too much Cisk), he glares belligerently at a honking lorry across the street, while staking a claim for his friend’s subaru by placing one of the pub’s plastic chairs in an emptied parking space nearby (even though said friend probably won’t be arriving within the next couple of hours).

Much as we love our local Onslows (and I repeat, yes, I know that many Maltese men do not fit into this category… but we really have to admit that many do), most of them could really do with a few tips.

  • Cleanliness is not an option – no matter how good-looking, sexy, or rich you are, your Gucci sunglasses and double-breasted suit won’t do much to hide the obnoxious smells coming from your aromatic armpits. Especially if we can spot any wettish patches of sweat as well. So please, for the love of God, DO shower at least once (or twice, or three times) a day. Deodorants are your friends too.
  • All the perfumes in the world – while using a perfume or deodorant is good, going overboard and spraying a different scent every other hour never did any miracles in terms of attraction. And our nostrils don’t appreciate it either. Especially in confined spaces such as elevators, cars and buses. So, everything in moderation.
  • Trim and clean your nails – regularly
  • This also goes for random body hair. Including hair coming out of orifices such as ears and nostrils. And no, not just in summer please.
Image Source: Shutterstock
  • ‘Casual’ clothes – it is one thing to go to the supermarket wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, or a pair of shorts and a thin shirt, and quite another to saunter to the cashier in just your skin-tight swimming trunks and a smile. Some clothes are worn at the beach, others are worn in the comfort of one’s own home, wearing them in other settings is, in most cases, highly inappropriate.
  • Jewellery – As in the case of perfume, too much jewellery tends to convey a sense of ‘hamallu’ thuggishness which, I’m sure, is not what most men have in mind when they put on their thick chain-necklace, large cross pendant, four rattling stainless steel bracelets and glammish heavy rings (at least three on each hand). But seriously… no. Just… no.
Geoffrey Hughes as Onslow from ‘Keeping Up Appearances’

I could go on and on (for example about drinking ad nauseum in kazini (band clubs) at 2pm, endless glasses of darkish tea left on the pavement in front of said kazini, raucous echoing laughter at some poor foreigner’s expense at the local festa, the half-smirk, half-hopeful look which accompanies every ‘aw lilly‘, bad driving and parking etiquette, etc)… but honestly, do I need to? I bet you can picture what I’m writing about as clear as day yourself…

We live (supposedly) in a civilized society, where we must at least agree to conform to a number of guidelines regarding appropriate behavior, in order for us to co-exist with the minimum of hassles possible. Freedom is beautiful, needful and individually enriching (though personally I can’t understand what’s so ‘enriching’ about overly-long toe-nails) however some things are best left to the imagination.

P.S And if you think targeting just males is unfair, don’t worry, another blogpost tackling the female half of the population will be forthcoming in the near future!

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Places to visit for FREE in Malta!

When people start thinking about going abroad on vacation, one of the first things they generally ask about, is whether the country they are interested in is ‘expensive’ or not. What they are referring to of course, is not the normal cost of living, since they will probably only be there for a week or two at the most, but whether tickets to interesting places and/or events are worth it, how much can dinner cost, and whether you have to break the bank every time you go out, if you really want to enjoy yourself.

Fortunately, many natural attractions and amazing places and events in our islands are either free of charge, or else very cheap to visit. Where you go and what you do depends, of course, on your own personal inclinations and preferences, however I feel quite safe in saying that there are places which no one can but appreciate.

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1. Go to the beach – whether it’s summer, spring, winter or fall, Maltese beaches are always there free to be enjoyed by anyone. You can swim, snorkel, jog, have a picnic (making sure to take any litter with you), or even just enjoy a quick coffee while you look at the waves and meditate. No costs involved.

2. Visit the fish market at Marsaxlokk – taking place each Sunday morning, the Marsaxlokk market, though most famous for its freshly caught fish, offers many other treasures to be found by the intrepid explorer, within its quirky traditional stalls which meander around Marsaxlokk Bay. This is an open-air market, and therefore free to visit. Beware however, although most items are quite cheap, you may find yourself buying more than you bargained for!

3. Stroll around Valletta – rich in Baroque architecture, medieval heritage and photo opportunities, Valletta is perfect for those who wish to ‘look around’ without having to buy anything. Admire the Grand Harbor from the Upper Barrakka Gardens, visit Saint John’s Co-Cathedral and gawk at its artistic masterpieces, and take a look at the newly restored Triton’s Fountain. During 2018, Valletta is hosting the Valletta 2018 European Capital of Culture, which basically means that there are a myriad of free exhibitions, events, and open-air performances taking place around the city almost every week. Definitely not to be missed.

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4. Explore San Anton Gardens – if you have children, or just love animals, this is surely the place to go. San Anton Gardens are located in central Attard and form part of the Presidential Palace. This beautiful very well kept botanic garden, houses both flora and fauna, and is interspersed with fountains, walkways, ponds and cosy corners. A very pretty place to go if you want to get away from the hustle and bustle of city-life.

5. Trekking – instead of spending money on a gym membership, why don’t you walk or hike while exploring the beautiful Maltese countryside? Whether it be Fomm ir-Riħ on Malta’s Western Coast, Dingli Cliffs situated in the Northern region, the South-eastern Delimara Peninsula or Għasri Valley in Gozo, the islands of Malta offer a vast array of natural places where one can stop and breathe the fresh air while taking a relaxing walk, or a more energetic jog.

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6. Nightlife – During the summer, the Maltese islands flourish with the onset of weekly village festas dedicated to different patron saints and showing off the best of what traditional Malta has to offer. The fireworks, the night markets, the stalls, the entertainment, is all free, though of course once you smell a whiff of those freshly baked pastizzi, you’ll probably be tempted to open your wallet (don’t worry, this street food is quite cheap). In winter there are usually no festas, however there’s always Carnival in February and Easter in April, which always include a number of open-air evening activities. There are also a huge number of ‘Wine-fests’, and fairs focusing on particular products pertaining to specific localities throughout the year, such as the ‘Bread Festival’ in Qormi, the Pumpkin Festival in Manikata, the Chocolate Festival in Ħamrun or the Strawberry Festival in Mġarr. In case you hadn’t noticed, the Maltese do love their food!

This article was written by me and originally featured on the magazine LivingInMalta here.